Remembering where I am always at.....

I named this blog "In His Hands" when I started it almost 2 years ago. This is something that is true, every day, but there are times that God really does a wonderful job of reminding me of this....and making me so thankful that His loving hands of peace and comfort are where I am always at. He is holding me, as well as the circumstances and situations of my life, and He has complete and perfect control.

Yesterday, I was thrown unexpectedly into one of these eye opening times. I turned "32 weeks" pregnant this past Sunday....which started more frequent monitoring of these beautiful baby boys who are filling my tummy. The new requirements were a weekly ultrasound (instead of every 2-3 weeks), 2 NST's weekly (a non-stress test....they put fetal monitors on for the babies' heart rates and a monitor on for contractions...like when you're in labor and watch for 20 minutes to make sure everything looks good), and a weekly OB appt.

So Thursday morning, I headed out the door at 9:45. Chip was at work and his mom came over to watch Kenzie and Ryken. My appointment was at 10:15 and I was figuring it would take about 45 minutes and I'd be on my merry way. I had already had the other testing done earlier in the week and everything was still looking picture perfect as always. I had been having more braxton hicks this past week, but attributed it to taking care of 2 toddlers and being filled to the brim with 9lbs of baby, 2 babies worth of amniotic fluid, and a bigger than usual placenta. I have gotten braxton hicks early on in all of my pregnancies, and these were no different...nothing painful at all...just tightenings of my belly.

I got to my NST at 10:15. They were unusually busy and I waited a very long time to even get checked in. Then another wait to be taken back. I wasn't taken back until after 11am, which is when I was HOPING to be done by. Chip's mom had to teach a sewing class at 12:45....but I still had an ok amount of time to get back when she needed me to.

They got me all hooked up and I sat for the 20 minutes. The medical assistant looked it all over and said she'd get the dr to sign off on it. She didn't indicate any problems. She came back and took my blood pressure and pulse and said she'd be back.....then I could hear them on the phone with my OB's office, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I did hear that my OB was doing a C-section and they talked to an MA at her office. The MA at my office came back and said that one of the babies wasn't QUITE as reactive as they'd like to see and wanted me to have a little bit more monitoring at the hospital (Banner Desert). What they DIDN'T TELL ME was that I was also having pretty regular contractions. That may have been good to know : ) She wanted to send me straight over, but by this time it was 12:o0 and I needed to get home and figure out someone to watch the kids. They told me to make my arrangements at home and then head over when I could, but they'd like sooner than later.

I got home and arranged for our small group leader, Diana, to come be with the kids until Chip's mom finished her sewing class and could come back over. I made the kids lunch and ate a cheese crisp. I picked up toys in the kids' room and living room. I loaded the dishwasher and started it. I switched laundry over and started a new load. I got pinto beans cooking in the crock pot that had soaked overnight. I changed diapers and got the kids to bed. All in about an hour and a half : ) (And remember...I was having regular contractions I didn't know about.....oops!!)

Diana came and I left around 2pm. I got to the hospital with the copy of my NST report in hand, confident that I would come in, they'd hook me up for 20-30 minutes, everything would look great, and I'd be headed home. I remember thinking that I wondered if Chip's mom would even have to be there very long since she wasn't coming over until a little after 3.

They got me to a triage room right away and my nurse, Denise, got me all hooked up....and the babies both looked PERFECT. But now I was having some uterine irritability (aka contractions). This was news to me....and I was SURE I must have caused it (I'm sure I didn't HELP it) with all the running around I did at home. Because of these contractions, which I still was only feeling as an occasional braxton hicks, they ordered a few tests and an ultrasound to look at my cervix length. They decided to do a biophysical ultrasound on the babies as well (they look for practice breathing, movement, heart rates, & amniotic fluid levels). That went perfectly fine as well. They did the ultrasound to check my cervix length as well. A few weeks ago it was still around 5cm long (a good thing..not 5cm dilated) and Monday it was still around 4cm. As she was looking at my cervix, I had a contraction (the first one I actually felt some very small discomfort with). The contraction ended quickly and she measured my cervix...which was now at 3.1. They like to see at least 3cm. So it was still "normal" and I wasn't worried.

I got back to triage around 4pm, where they monitored me some more. After the ultrasound, I was having even more regular contractions that were a tiny bit longer. I was feeling tightening with all of them now, but no pain still. My nurse said to rest and relax and I figured I’d get the results of the fetal fibronectin test (fFn) back and my contractions would settle down and I’d be of there by around 5…just around when Chip would be off work. The fFn test results came back. Not so great of news. Not bad…just not so great. This is a test they do to see if there are secretions in the cervical area that COULD indicate early labor. Rather than looking at it as “positive” or “negative”, most of the doctors I’ve talked to in the hospital like to look at it as “negative” or “not negative”. You WANT it to be “negative”. That means that there is only a 1% chance you’ll deliver within the next 2 weeks. If it is “not negative” then basically your chances of delivering early are about 15-20%. It doesn’t mean you WILL deliver early. It just means you didn’t get a “negative”. Well…of course, I got a positive aka “not negative” test. So now, at this point, with regular contractions (that I still didn’t feel), a changed yet still normal lengthed cervix, and a positive fFn test, plus the added risk of preterm labor with twins….my doctor decides that I have quite a few strikes against me for being able to go home. She told the triage nurse to check me….the only way I was leaving is if my cervix was hard/closed/posterior. Nope. Soft/2cm dilated/forward. So. That decided it…..I was being admitted. After I was checked I did start to cramp some and the contractions got to be a little longer and stayed VERY regular.

So I was admitted around 5 or 6pm on Thursday night. They started me on magnesium sulfate to stop my contractions. At 7pm they gave me a shot of Betamethasone (a steroid for the babies development). They did a Group B strep test (standard test in all pregnancies) but the results wont be back for a few days, so they started me on penicillin as well, just in case I was GBS positive and were to deliver. They gave me a shot of Terbutaline as well…another drug to stop the contractions.

Chip came to the hospital after the kids were in bed. He was here when a neonatologist (premature baby doctor) came in to talk to us. He basically told us all of the things they watch for with babies born at this gestation….respiratory issues and feeding/growth issues are the main concerns. They aren’t really worried about IF they’d be ok at this point…it is more a question of how long they’d have to be in the hospital and get to a point that we could adequately take care of them at home. Dr. Nigam told us it would most likely be around 3ish weeks….but there are never for sures…it could be longer or shorter…you never know with each baby. Their current estimated weights (as of last Monday…Casey 4lbs11oz and Emery 4lbs5oz) is a VERY reassuring factor. They are nice big, strong boys! He explained that the game plan now was to make sure I kept the contractions away and got the 2^nd steroid shot. He said the steroids needed 48 hours from the FIRST shot (24 hours from the 2^nd) to be in my “steroid window”. So my “steroid window” would start Saturday night at 7pm.

The rest of the night was not so fun. I was constantly being monitored as well as each of the babies. When a baby would move away from the fetal monitor, the nurse would have to come find him. Plus I was receiving IV fluids and the magnesium sulfate made me have TERRIBLE dry mouth and I was drinking like crazy (I still am). So I was literally getting up every hour or more often to use the bathroom. By the time I was back in bed and all hooked back up to everything and in a comfortable position, I’d have to go to the bathroom again. By about 2-3am I was quite discouraged. I had only gotten an hour of sleep and my contractions has started to slow but were not slow enough. I was in the middle of a catch-22. I needed the medicine to stop the contractions. The medicine made me pee. Every time I peed I had to be unhooked and gotten out of bed. It took FOREVER to get hooked up again because they had to find both babies each time. By the time I was hooked up and comfortable I’d have to pee again. The catch was that they had to monitor the babies until the contractions stopped. So I felt completely helpless and tired and like it was never going to end. But then they upped my magnesium which FINALLY worked to slow the contractions. YAY!!! So they got to take the babies off of monitoring. So I was still using the bathroom every hour, but at least I was able to rest in between!! I got around 3 hours of very interrupted sleep that night. So now my contractions were under control and I was just waiting to get my next dose of steroids which had to be 24 hours after the first. I was told that after I got to my steroid window they’d probably take me off me off the magnesium and see where things were. So that meant a few more days before I’d be going home.

Friday morning I got breakfast and talked to Chip and the kids. Being away from my kids has been one of the VERY hardest parts of this whole thing. I miss them like CRAZY. My wonderful doctor came in around 9ish and talked to me. She explained the “game plan”. At this point I was expecting that she’d tell me I was going to be looking at going home sometime on Sunday or Monday…after I got in my “steroid window” on Saturday night. Boy was I wrong : ( She explained that they would start to decrease my magnesium on Saturday but I wouldn’t come off of it until sometime on Sunday…..I would ONLY come off IF the contractions stayed under control as the decreased it. She told me that if I came off on Sunday, they’d watch me for a few days….see if I needed oral meds to keep any contractions away…and watch the babies. She told me to expect to be here until I hit 34 weeks and then we’d discuss going home on bed rest. 34 WEEKS?! WHAT?! That was a WEEK from Sunday. This news caught me COMPLETELY off guard. I was being told there was NO CHANCE to see my kids until Sunday or Monday.....and that would only be a short trip to the hospital lobby IF I was stable! AND that I would be here for MORE than a week. It took a second to sink in. I cried a little bit, realizing how long I’d be gone from my Kenzie-girl and Rykie-boy. Then I pulled it together and started thinking through the details…how we’d work it all out. It is working out really well. Chip’s parents and sister have been able to help watch the kids all weekend while Chip has worked. He has Sunday and Monday off. His parents will help again when he works Tuesday night and then he has Wednesday off. My mom is able to come from Thursday until Sunday. So the week I am in the hospital was covered and that was one thing off of our minds.

Chip was able to stop by for about 20 minutes on Friday before he went to work. I didn’t eat much lunch…it didn’t look very good. I got a nap in the afternoon, but was still getting up to go to the bathroom every hour or so. At around 3:30pm they did an NST on the boys…both looked FABULOUS as usual. They look for 2 accel/decels in heart rates and Casey had 7 and Emery 5….both little over achievers : ) After that I was able to get a shower and eat dinner at a nice EARLY time of 4:30pm. Ha. I decided after dinner to get a catheter placed….I was worried it would be uncomfortable, but I knew I wasn’t coming off the magnesium and IVs until at least Sunday and getting up every hour was getting utterly exhausting. I couldn’t imagine another night of no sleep.

The cath was placed and surprisingly felt fine : ) YAY! No more hourly bathroom trips. I relaxed for the evening and got my second steroid shot at 7pm. My sister in law Liz came to visit at around 8:00 and stayed for maybe 45 minutes. Then she left and went to our place to be with the kids so Chip could come see me. He was here from about 9:30 to 11pm. It was so good to see him and talk. We prayed and read a few verses and caught up with the emotions we were having and the plans for the upcoming days. It was much needed and I am thankful for Liz staying with K & R so we could have that time together.

Chip called again when he was going to bed and we said goodnight. I was able to sleep really well from midnight to 5am. (Thanks especially to Chip bringing my box fan that I run at home for white noise…ahh…familiar sounds!) At 5am this morning, they had to wake me for another NST on the babes. The babies performed perfectly as usual. No problems there : )

I slept from around 6-6:30am and then met my new nurse. I had breakfast and sat around for awhile. I called my mom and talked to her for quite awhile and then it was late enough to call and check on Chip and the kiddos and see how they were doing. I called them around 7:45 and Chip was just taking muffins out of the oven. Ryken babbled on the phone to me. Kenzie told me that she watched Clifford and that she was eating an orange. She asked me if I wanted a muffin and told me she loved me. It was so good to hear their little voices and know they were having a normal morning time with their daddy : ) He takes SUCH good care of them.

At around 8:30 or 9am they got me out of bed to get some circulation in my legs. I got to walk to the door and over to the sink to brush my teeth. It felt good to get up, but after being on 3.5g of magnesium I was pretty weak and definitely needed the nurses around to help me. At around 9:30am, Dr. G who is on call for my doctor decided to start weaning me off the mag. They turned it down from 3.5g to 3g. A new nurse came on at 10am and I took a nap from around 10:30 to noon. I had lunch and was feeling SUCH a difference being down a little bit on the magnesium. I could focus much more easily on things and felt less groggy. Chip came around 1:15 to see me before he went to work. Liz was at our place with the kids and Mom & Dad B were going over later to watch them while Chip worked. We hung out and talked and watched the first 2 plays of the Cardinals playoffs game before Chip had to leave. He got to see one of the only good plays of the game : )

After Chip left, my nurse came in and let me get up and stretch and walk around. I was MUCH more capable of walking and stretching without needing much help. She let me stand for quite awhile which felt great! After I stood and stretched, I was allowed to sit in a recliner for a few hours. My friend Jenn came and kept me company around 3:45 or 4pm. We talked and it was great to have someone come by! She brought my some goodies….my favorite of which was some chapstick! I needed some and she didn’t even know : ) After she left I had dinner. At about 5pm they turned my mag down to 2.5g and then around 7pm I got up and stretched again. After I got into bed, I had another NST for the babies and they both looked great. Emery had the hiccups when we started which made it hard to pick up his heartbeat. But hiccups are a great thing to hear too. At 8 I talked with Mom B and told her what the game plan looks like. Then I talked with my mom until around 9pm. That brings us to now : ) It is now 10:20pm and I have been watching TV and working on this post. My nurse JUST came in and lowered my mag to the lowest dose….2g! Yay! She said Dr. G told her that tomorrow we’re going to try to go to the oral Terbutaline if my uterus keeps behaving.

Now that I have caught up on these three days, I SHOULD be able to keep it updated regularly, especially since I am much more comfortable being at a lower mag dose.

At this point, the game plan is up in the air. It all depends on how my body responds to each new step. There are ideal situations, of course…things I am hopeful for! If things go very well, I am hoping that the oral terbutaline works tomorrow. I am hoping that after watching me tomorrow and Monday, that maybe my doctor will discuss allowing me to go home on FULL bedrest earlier in the week than next Sunday. We already have the help in place for me to be totally on the couch. I am still trying to keep myself thinking that I will be here until next Sunday and not trying to get my hopes up TOO much. But we’ll see : )

At this point, I have been dealing with sorts of thoughts and emotions. I haven’t FELT a contraction at all this WHOLE time. There have been some occasional tightenings, but besides the slight cramping after they checked me on Thursday, I haven’t had any discomfort at all. It has been hard for me as I think through it all, to stay content being here when my body was never giving me any signs in the first place that I NEEDED to be here. But it has been a great “wake up call”. I am happy to be taking precautions and keeping my boys safe and sound. It has been hard emotionally to be away from my kids, but I think I needed something this big to happen to get me to stop and slow down and take care of my two tiniest kiddos. I have a lot of trouble accepting help, especially when I FEEL ok. But this has made me aware that although I FEEL ok, I STILL need to slow things down because by the time I feel something it could be too late to keep these boys in. God has used this time to give me needed rest. He is using it to stretch my relationship with Himself and my husband. He is taking care of our whole family in SO many ways…we’ve seen them big and small, all around us. And I have complete and total trust that no matter WHAT happens….if the boys come tomorrow or in a few weeks….if I get to go home in 2 days or if I have to stay until the boys are born in 3 weeks….not matter what happens, God is going to provide for us emotionally, physically, mentally, and in EVERY way possible each step of the way. It has been a new challenge trusting Him with the emotional needs of my kids…and it has been a great things to learn (I am sure this is JUST the VERY start). He has taken control away from me and made me trust Him with it all. And all around me I see overwhelming evidence that we are all being gently and tenderly cared for in the safety of His hands. And it is a wonderful place to be : )

Check back in for more updates….hopefully they will be MUCH shorter since I am caught up and won’t be writing about THREE days at one time again : )