33 weeks. Day 1 in the APU.

It is 1:15pm on Sunday afternoon.

I slept well last night. I slept from about 11:45pm-5am and at 5 I got up and stretched out my back and body and then slept again from around 5:45am-7am. At 7am they came in and woke me up to transfer me out of Labor & Delivery and into an Antepartum Unit. This is a more permanent place for "sick moms" to stay. There are goods and bads to this move. One of the harder parts for me is the difference in the nurses. When you're in Labor & Delivery, you have one nurse all to yourself. I always find that they are in more of a position to “get to know you” and almost develop a relationship with you, even if it is only for their 8 or 12 hour shift. They work to meet your comfort needs and medical needs, but each of the nurses I encountered in Labor and Delivery also worked at meeting emotional/social needs as well, especially the day nurses.

In antepartum, the nurses have more patients to take care of. They are definitely friendly and have been very very good to me, but the relationship has a different feel. They don’t have time to talk or get to know you. They have certain things to do. It is their job. They are still very pleasant and I enjoy my brief times with them, but it just is much more lonely here.

It hasn’t helped that since today is Sunday I didn’t get to talk to my mom or Chip until after they were done with church. Each of the other days I have been here I have started my mornings by talking with them. It is a busy day for all of them, so even now that I have gotten to talk to them it hasn’t been for long.

So these lonely feelings have been hard…especially with the newest news I’ve gotten. My contractions DID look good through the night, and just a few minutes ago I was taken off of the magnesium. I was put on an oral medication to keep the contractions away. So this is GOOD news. The bad news is that the on call Dr checked me, and I have gone from 2cm to 3.5cm since I was admitted. It is impossible to know WHEN the change happened….it could have been right after I was checked the first time on Thursday and I may not have changed again since then. Or it could be that I have been slowly changing with the small contractions I’ve been having here and there (none of which I feel). So, I was hopeful before I was checked that MAYBE there would be a chance I could go home before next Sunday if I was still only 2cm dilated. But that chance is pretty much gone now. It does make it easier to WANT to stay. Knowing that there has been a change makes me more protective of my baby boys inside me. It makes it easier to believe that there are GOOD reasons to be staying here. So from that standpoint, it is helpful. I would have had a much harder time if I was checked and was only 2cm and my doctor still wanted to keep me until 34 weeks. When you’re feeling no signs of labor, it is hard to make yourself believe that things could really be happening and that there is really a threat…but a physical change like this makes it much much easier to believe the threat, and believing the threat makes it much easier to want to stick with the game plan.

But the much more definite news of being away from my home and my family on a day that was already feeling lonely has been hard for me. I want to be strong for everyone. I know how hard this is on everyone else already….all the sacrifices they are making….all the extra work and energy and schedule rearranging it is taking. And I don’t want to add my emotional burden of this to the people who are already under the extra pressure it is causing. I am working to dump these emotions and feelings into Jesus’ hands and give HIM this burden of mine, instead of weighing down others that I love so much. He is being good to comfort me…but there is still a process to work through…and it isn’t always an easy one.

I do pretty well until I stop and think about what time it is and what everyone is doing. I do ok if I don’t look at the clock and see that it is 1:30 and picture my little kiddos in their beds for naptime. When I think about them and how I’m not there giving kisses and tucking them in, it is very difficult. I have to look at the clock and see 1:30 and think about what that means in “my current world” and what that looks like in my day. When I don’t think about what is outside of my room and the things I am missing, I do much better.

Pretty soon a friend is coming to see me, which will help so much. I am so thankful that she is taking the time to come by. After that Chip will come for awhile. These visits will be good and I am excited for them. I am going to see if I can get cleaned up a bit before they come….so I will write more later.