I need to write this down.
I haven't blogged in a long time....not because I don't want to, but because I only have so much time in a day and I have to make choices about how to spend it. Even though I would LOVE to blog more and I would really enjoy having the recorded thoughts to go back to, it just doesn't make the cut as one of the top time choices anymore.
But this. This is one of those things I just need to write....as a way of processing, a way of finalizing, and a way of remembering.
Today I am 38 weeks pregnant with our sixth child. I have never been pregnant for this long before. Each of my other 4 pregnancies was over by now. My babies have all been good-sized and healthy. My body always feels so ready to be done.
Each time that I've been pregnant, we have known and discussed that the birth of our babies is in God's timing. We always SAY that we don't KNOW when it will happen. And this is true. But God has also been EXTREMELY gracious in allowing us to pick dates on the calendar and say "that would be great" and then somehow, it has always worked out just like we hoped. My doctor has always stripped my membranes and that night I have gone into labor and then, out comes the baby...just like that...except for the twins. But with them, I begged and pleaded for God to allow them to be born soon....and they were.
But see...here is the funny thing about me and about God. Me....I'm prideful. And I sometimes forget that I don't run the show. And God? He doesn't let his kids get away with things like that.
The first time it worked out "perfectly", I was shocked and in awe. I felt so incredibly blessed and special that God allowed my baby girl to come when she did.
Then, the next time, it "worked" again. And this time, instead of just worshiping God and His timing, I started to let this little lie creep in that it was somehow US making things happen. Me and my OB and walking with Chip. You know....cause that's what we did. And that worked!
So then I had the twins.....that whole thing was just totally different so I'm skipping over that part.
But then came Brinley. And I knew things COULD work differently...but I got my plan in place. Strip membranes. Walk. Baby comes out.
And that's what happened.
So now, here I am. From the very first days that we saw those double pink lines on the pregnancy test I started to plan. Once my doctor confirmed my due date, I counted out my weeks and confidently said "This is the week I'll have my baby." Sure I was SAYING the right things...like "well, each pregnancy can be different" or "It's never for sure, but this is what will PROBABLY happen". But I was also feeling fairly confident as I planned.
Somewhere along the line, God started to intervene and started asking of me "How do you know? How can you be so certain?" And that was where the heart struggle began. Because I would say back "Well of course, God, YOU are in charge....but I also just KNOW this is how you have allowed my body to work EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Why would it change now?"
A few weeks ago, I really started wrestling with the question of WHY I was so set on having my doctor strip my membranes when there was really no NEED for it. I always justified it with selfish motives.
1. All of my babies have been early and big. I don't WANT an even bigger baby. That would HURT even more...besides, I LIKE teeny babies and mine are already not TEENY. {Stupid, stupid reason.}
2. The end of pregnancy is long and uncomfortable. I want it over as soon as possible. I've always loved being done sooner than later. {Aww...poor me. Like another couple weeks will kill me. And how come I can't seem to remember that it is FAR better to be pregnant for TOO many weeks than go through the struggle SO many women face of either not experiencing pregnancy at all or struggling to stay pregnant long enough for their baby to develop to a good point.}
3. I don't want my baby to be born too close to Christmas. {This one makes me SO mad at myself. Why does it matter?? I should have learned my lesson after hearing myself say over and over that I didn't want to have another summer baby right after I had Ryken. Ya know what?! Who cares if it is heat or cold or Christmas or September 11th?}
So anyway...I had all my petty little reasons for why I wanted things to go according to my schedule.
All along the way, God would question me. I would answer. I'd convince myself that my reasons were justified even though deep down I knew they weren't.
So at my 36 week appointment, I asked my OB....you'll strip my membranes at 37 weeks, right?! And she. said. no. She said I had no issues and had to be 38 weeks. GASP! Part one of my plans being "ruined". At first I wasn't happy. I thought "But I've NEVER gone THAT long. And Brinley was 8lbs. And. And. And......
But she wouldn't budge. So I just had to change my plans. I said....ok, God. YOU can bring this baby out sooner if you want. But if not, at least she'll do something at 38 weeks. Even in THAT thinking, I knew that it sounded wrong to make it seem like we'd just "help God out a little bit" or something. I tried to rationalize that it wasn't really what I MEANT, it just SOUNDED that way in my head but I KNEW He was really in control.
So. I got to my 37 week appointment....and I had the WORST cold I have had in a LONG time. And I thought. Ah-HA! So THAT was what you were doing God. You just knew I would be too run down to handle having a baby this week. To top things off.....after being VERY insistent on waiting until 38 weeks AT LEAST, my doctor decided that she'd strip my membranes the next week at 37 weeks 6 days.
That was the same time she had done it with Kenzie....so I wouldn't have to go longer afterall, I thought. It was funny because I was still having the same conversations with God.....do I REALLY trust HIS timing? Do I know that we can do things and plan things but that HE is in CONTROL...not us? Yes, yes, of course God...I'd say back. And thank you SO much for working it all out how I want. Again. Just like you've done each time.
So I got my new plan together. And boy was it a good one. I planned food for the week. We planned out all of Chip's days off. We planned who would take the kids when. I got laundry done. We just knew this was it. And all along the way we'd say we "hoped" it would be the day we had the baby. And we'd say "this COULD be the day" but I really thought He was just going to let MY plan work again. I really did.
And so, yesterday came. The plan was to go to the doctor, get my membranes stripped, finish up last minute things, pack our bags, go for some walks to pick up the contractions, and head to the hospital to have a baby. All along the way I was saying "but I'm prepared for it not to work out" and "God may have a different plan". We were telling our kids that only God knows when little Titus will arrive. I just wasn't believing it myself. I was trying to believe what I know. I was trying to REALLY trust God's plan and time. But I still wanted to feel in control. I knew my plan was a good one and I wanted it to go my way.
So the plan began perfectly. Went to the doctor. She was optimistic and stripped my membranes, saying not to have the baby before she got done with her exercise class at 6:45. I got home. I made food for people to have on-hand for watching the kids. I got laundry done. We switched cribs and rocking chairs around. I was crampy and having irregular contractions. It was going just right. My contractions slowed in the afternoon....like they tend to do....and right around 5:30 or 6 they were picking back up....just like they tend to do. Chip even came home from work early to help me finish getting the kids to bed and pack. Everything was ready. We were all set.
Chip's mom came over and we started on our walk. Good contractions came....every 3-4 minutes. For about 4 contractions. Then? A big pause. But this was NOT supposed to happen! I'd have another here or there...every 10, 12, 15 minutes. But this had never happened with other labors of mine. When I walked, the contractions were supposed to come and they were supposed to do their job. It had happened every time. We went back home to go to the bathroom and drink water and rest for a minute. I was having some other labor signs upon using the bathroom. OH GOOD! It was working after all, I thought.
So we headed back out. And again.....3-4 close, strong contractions....then? Even bigger gaps. We went home to rest. I was getting tired. I thought...ok, God. You're just trying to get me to rely on you. I get it. I really do. This plan is yours.....there, I surrendered, ok? Now you can let me have the baby.
We rested and ate and headed back out. And really....nothing. The contractions were so much less consistent. I said we should just go home and rest. I figured God was putting me to the test.....like since I said it was HIS way, that I needed to stop DOING and just let HIM do it. I really thought I would just decide to go to bed...that would be my "surrender" and then my water would break or something.
So we went to bed. And contractions would come sporadically....never close. 30 mins apart. 45 mins apart. An hour apart. I was so unsettled. I was still waiting for God to come through with MY plan. I was still unwilling to let go of the planned days off and all the other little details I had figured out would work *perfectly* (kids going to Tucson, when we'd celebrate Christmas with who, what meals I had "covered" for whoever was watching the kids, etc).
We woke up this morning and things were even more settled down. Still I was unwilling to accept that today might not be the day. God was just making me wait a little bit longer, but He'd still honor my plan. After all, we still had all day, right?
All day He worked on me...from the start of when I woke up, and even in the night, I think, as I wrestled to sleep, just waiting for something to happen.
This afternoon came. I was finding the blessings of being home with my kiddos...trying to soothe the disappointment and find things to be thankful for. But it was clear in my heart and mind that I was finding things to be thankful for to cover the disappointment. It wasn't true thanksgiving. It wasn't true joy and contentment in God's plan.
I took a nap. I woke up. I laid on the couch. My thoughts started to workup the next "plan" trying to figure out what I could do when....could I go to my doctor sooner? Would she try again? Should we try to go walk again? Is there something I can take? Something I can do? And God said STOP.
Yep. God talks to me. It's pretty incredible really.
But it was clear. He's been asking me to just trust Him all along the way. I've been saying I do. He knows I don't. And this time, it wasn't such a gentle "stop" that He said. It was clear. I was disobeying. I was making choices. He was asking me to just truly REST in HIS plan and to STOP making my own in this particular thing at this particular time. He was asking me to STOP justifying my plans.
And I finally stopped. I finally handed all my plans over. It's terrible and wonderful all at once. It's almost like every time He was asking me to give him my plans, I would open my hands up...stop grasping them tightly....but I would never place them on the table in front of me. I would never let them completely out of my hands. I would start to wrap my fingers around them again and He would challenge me and I would open up all my fingers. My plans would lay flat in my palms, ready for Him to take them if He must....but I was not going to lay them down myself.
Today, He asked me to LAY THEM DOWN. All the way down. And so. That's where I'm at.
I was talking to my mom about it. She encouraged me saying that this is part of how I am able to function as a mom of 5 little ones, almost 6. I pay attention to details. I plan. I get things ready. But she agreed that once I cross that line and go from being used by God to wanting to be the one in control, that it is wrong and there is no way to justify it. And that is the place I was at.
So now I'm free. My plans are gone. Now I wait. And I rest in my time of waiting. And I remember others who wait.....wait to know where God is calling their family to live....wait for God to send the next baby.....wait for God to bring a job. Instead of being focused on myself, I can spend time praying for others.
There are still hard parts. Each day I feel less capable of keeping up with my family and more in need of others...I think God has that as part of the plan too.....remembering to allow others to serve me and not always feel like I am letting them down when I can't keep up at my normal pace. He's making me stop and take time to savor each of the kids right where they are at....especially my little Brinley baby who won't be the baby anymore. I've had some sweet moments in the midst of the discomfort and I am so glad He walked me through all of this.
I am almost completely beyond the disappointment (if I said ALL the way I'd be lying...there are still small moments when the struggle wants to creep in and I have to push it away) but instead am looking forward to just seeing what HIS plan is. Even if it "messes up" everything I think I want, it will be GOOD because it is HIS way.
I know this is not anything new. I know that reading this may even be boring to most of you, especially if you're not in the midst of the true struggle of surrender right now. But I needed to write it all down. I needed to remember how He was growing me and shaping me as much on the inside as on the outside. I needed to remember that even in this, every day of Titus so far has been worth it, because his time inside and the anticipation of his arrival has done so much to bring me to a point of trusting God more fully.
And how timely, that God would be so well-pleased to teach me these things in this time of advent. This time of remembering with anticipation the coming of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ....of his first coming, when the Creator God became flesh and dwelt among us to be our perfect sacrifice...and also for the anticipation of Him coming again.
I can't wait to update you with the rest of the story. No matter what happens, it will be good. It is His story.
